No Matter What, Even If
by Hotaru no Hoshi
Summary: The regret I hold is on par with the wound in my heart. It's deep and painful, but all this time, with the help of your words that I fail to give up on, I manage to pull through. But that doesn't mean I come out unscathed. One-shot. Rated T for it's complexity.


**_No Matter What, Even If. . ._**

_Oh geez. Forgive me for being so lazy. I know I said in my first story that I was working on a JelLu fanfic, but i'm actually having a lot of trouble writing it. Plus, school work and such. ("And such" meaning me procrastinating on tumblr.)_

_Anyway, this is another one-shot based on a song I've been listening to called Tatoe Donna Ni by Nishino Kana. It really is a beautiful song. Made me so emotional. Especially once I discovered the English translations._

_This is actually supposed to be a GrayLu fanfic, but you can't tell until the very end where their names are mentioned._

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_**Disclaimer:** Mashima Hiro owns Fairy Tail._

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To hate something I love so much, it's a pain. Rain drizzled down on a particularly gloomy day. Grey skies loomed over my slouched figure, as did thunderous claps and streaks of lightening. Sounds of scattering footsteps resonated from all directions as people hurried for shelter. I, on the other hand, had no desire for coverage.

I thought over today's events. I talked to all my friends, but it was weird, as much as I wanted to, as much as I tried to, I couldn't bring myself to laugh at their jokes or their sarcastic remarks. I was the awkward individual amongst a group of eccentrics. Never have I felt so out of place. But I knew that if I were to frown, I would stick out like a sore thumb. So I smiled. Just for today, I put up a facade and I smiled.

Another clap of thunder roared out to the barren street, devoid of life and colour. Home was another thirty minutes away. I was taking the usual route, so why does it feel like I've taken a wrong turn somewhere? If you were with me, right by my side, snuggled up against my arm in this freezing temperature, would the trip have felt like mere seconds? Because I know that I would've have been lost in your comforting warmth and angelic voice as we discuss our favourite subjects. Our hands laced together, fingers melted together. Right now, at this very moment, there is absolutely nothing I want more than your touch.

But I know that won't be happening. As I reminiscence the past, I remember all our childish quarrels. Really, they were stupid. If I had just let you into my room the first time you came to visit my parents. But I was embarrassed because I hadn't cleaned my room. Even though you said you didn't care, I wanted your first memory of my place to be a good one. Or if I had just gotten you tickets to that movie you wanted to watch, the latest drama at the time. That could have been a wonderful date and memory. But I wanted to save my money for a game that was coming out. How selfish of me. And if I hadn't broken our promise that one time where you wanted me to read your favourite book. You only wanted us to have another topic to talk about, didn't you? But I was lazy, I didn't have time to read, but I had time to play games. If I had apologized after each and every fight, would your smile still be aimed at me?

_Just how much did I hurt you by pushing you away?_

But you know, I guess what really hit you was the fact that I wasn't trying. I wasn't trying for you, for me, or for us. You did everything for us to work, and I took that hard work and kindness for granted. I took our relationship and _you_ for granted. I wish that I had reminded you how much I truly cared for you, appreciated you every day. But I was too late to have realized how much you had done for me, and now my chances at making it up to you are gone.

My thoughts came to a brief halt as I came to a stop at a crossing intersection. Cars zoomed past and the murky water that rested in the grooves on the edge of road splashed. Every time I thought the rain had lightened up a little, it would bucket down again. On and off, on and off, sort of like the switching of my smiles and frowns these days. As the crossing light changed to green, I would stare at the road as I walked by and remember the first time we held hands.

I remember, because it was the day we had become lovers. It was really awkward at first, it didn't happen naturally. I actually asked if I could hold your hand, and just when I thought you would say "no", you took hold of mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. I thought it was the guy who had to initiate that sort of thing. I wanted to look cool, but you showed me up. Even now, just thinking about it, your hand was especially warm on that day. Sweaty too. Were you as nervous as I was? Was your heart beating uncontrollably out of it's chest too? Did butterflies frantically flutter around in your stomach?

Streets were filling up again, people scattered out left and right as the rain began to clear up. But the depressingly grey clouds remained. A male in what appears to be his late teens is pushed against me in a flurry of civilians. An earphone of his falls out, and for a moment before he regains composure and continues on his way, the slightest sound of music playing reached my ears. I suddenly thought of that one song you wanted me to listen to because you found it's melody so enchanting. And now, I want to hear it's enchanting melody with my own ears. Because if I do, I'll feel as if you're really close to me. If only for a little while, I want to feel as if you are by my side again.

If I were to get lost in the song, I would be able to imagine your gentle embrace and your lips encasing mine. Just thinking about it, I could almost feel it for real.

I walked down a quiet street. Past family houses and cars parked along the road. Another ten minutes, i'm not far from home now. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on walking like this without breaking down in the middle of the street. The ache in my chest won't go, and the wound in my heart refuses to heal. The embarrassment of strangers witnessing my break down is the only thing stopping my tears from falling and from my wails to be heard.

If I had to be honest, I was scared. Afraid that your feelings would change. Though you used to love it when I got jealous, I would sometimes overreact, become possessive and become paranoid at the thought of you slipping from within my grasp. You would run far away somewhere where I couldn't reach you. And as much as I tried to, I just couldn't catch up to you. And now I wonder, if I hadn't complained so much about you interacting with other males, if I had swallowed down all my fears and simply trusted you and your loyalty, would you still be holding my hand? I feel so incomplete without you walking next to me. Although I know that's not the case, I miss your presence.

I wish I had tried to understand you. I wish I had accepted you more. I wish I had considered your feelings. I wish I could just turn back time to that day, take back everything I had said and chose my words more carefully. I shouldn't have been so half-assed about everything, I shouldn't have acted on impulse, I should have just. . . I should have just tried.

All those times I refused to say those three little words simply because I wasn't ready, well now I regret not saying them. And the thing I understand the least is that I wasn't ready to say them before, but now, I can say those three words, mean it and a whole lot more. I want to tell you how much you mean to me and how much you meant to me before that. If only I had been honest with you about everything you did. You made me the happiest person in the world, and the love and affection you presented me with is something I want a chance a showing you too. Because you deserve it. More than anyone, you deserve it.

Finally, home at last. I reached for the house key that rested in the pocket of my blazer. Unlocking the front door, I rushed inside, threw off my soggy shoes and dashed up the stairs to my room before slamming the door shut.

_I so desperately wish for time to turn back._

I jumped onto my bed, brought my pillow up to my face and snuggled into it's cushion.

_And no matter how much I pray to God, to the stars in the moonlit sky or to my heart, you won't return to me._

I opened my mouth for a breath, but that in turn turned into a painful cry. I drew in a ragged breath before letting another desperate cry slip past my quivering lips.

_My fears came true. You had run far, far away from me. I've lost sight of you. Where are you I wonder? Will I ever find you again?_

The cotton covers of my pillow felt cold and wet. My tears stained the sheets as did my dribble. The hiccupping cries made me struggle for air. More and more, my pillow was becoming drenched in my sadness. As I remember your smile, the wound in my heart only deepens.

_I want to so badly stop loving you, because if I do this pain will disappear. But at the same time, i'm glad my burning love for you remains, because it reminds me of our time together, and that's something only the two of us will ever share._

Deeper and deeper, I fall into a never-ending plea for help. I grab and tug at the sheets in an attempt to pull myself back to reality, but my efforts are futile.

_The happiness you gave me. . ._

I throw my tear-soaked pillow to the side and curl up into my sheets.

_Will forever shine in my heart._

I cocoon myself in my heavy blankets and draw in a final shaky breath, before relieving myself of a heavy sigh.

_I won't forget you._

My cries have quieted and calmed down.

_I believe my voice will. . ._

I close my eyes and fall into a pit of darkness. Soon I am engulfed in a comforting light and your smile appears before me. You outstretch your hand to me and hesitantly take hold of it. I remember the words that have helped me pull through all this time,_ "We will always be together, Gray. I love you, so much it hurts."_

_Reach you someday, Lucy, my beloved._

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All italic lines from _"The happiness you gave me. . ."_ are taken from the English lyrics of Nishino Kana's Tatoe Donna Ni. Lyrics are not mine.

Phew, I hoped you liked it at least a bit? This story (thankfully) flowed quite naturally. If this got you at least a little emotional, please do tell me, I want to know if it had an emotional effect on anyone, because I sure as heck had a little break down while writing this.


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